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AUCKLAND, New Zealand, Feb. 14, 2015
Fantasies are important because they bring excitement and a hormonal response which is fine if both partners are on a level playing field sexually, but quite often the skill levels and/or desires are different.
In other words, the male is (or isn’t) sexually functioning properly, so the misfit even more so, doesn’t want to participate in sexual fantasies.
- One in three men suffer from sex problems including premature ejaculation and/or erectile dysfunction
- Four in five women find it difficult to orgasm during intercourse
Jacqui Olliver, Auckland-based Psychosexual Relationship Specialist and owner of the business End the Problem provides answers for the hot debate over sexual fantasies raised by Fifty Shades of Grey.
Is that level of violence (as in Fifty Shades of Grey) common in sexual fantasies?
“In the hundreds of client sessions I’ve conducted I’ve never encountered a client requiring that kind of violent scenario to feel sexually fulfilled,” Jacqui says.
“On saying that, it is a common desire for those involved in the submissive side of sexual bondage to actually become significantly aroused by physical, emotional as well as sexual torment. This level of sexual violence can be due to sexual “imprinting” which is frequently caused by the earliest, remembered sexual experiences of a person.
“People react differently to sexual imprinting. For example, a woman who was raped or molested as a child may find it difficult to attain an orgasm because during sex her mind is constantly worrying about whether or not she will be able to reach orgasm. If initial sexual experiences were violent for a male it can set up the requirement for a level of violence (either domination or submissiveness) in most of his future sexual acts, as from his learned perspective this is what he deems to be “normal” sex.”
How do sexual fantasies generally affect people?
“With sexual fantasies there is a standard of difference in each person,” says Jacqui. “For example: one person might wish to participate in a threesome and the other doesn’t. While many people just like thinking about their sexual fantasies, others must enact on them to feel sexually fulfilled. This intense desire to actively participate by one of the partners, can lead to sexual activity outside of the relationship in an attempt to fulfill that desire.
As well as causing relationship tension, unrealized fantasies can lead to sex problems including early ejaculation and sexual avoidance. The relationship usually suffers in these cases because one of the partners tries to force the issue of fantasy and the other one doesn’t want to know. A mismatched sexual appetite often leads to one partner feeling sexually unfulfilled, while the other always feels sexually compromised, as in the characters of Christian and Ana in Fifty Shades of Grey.”
What affects a person’s desire to participate in sexual fantasies?
“Generally, when a woman doesn’t want to participate in sexual fantasies it may very well be related to her partner’s skill level,” Jacqui says. “If the male has an early ejaculation or weak erection issue then sex is already unfulfilling for her. They may have both fallen out of love but he still wants sex. She may be unable to orgasm. Or, like in Fifty Shades of Grey, she finds his fantasy level too intimidating. All of these things can put a woman off participating in sexual fantasies as well as losing her interest in sex.
If a male doesn’t want to participate in fantasies, it’s often due to his inability to stay in control and not ejaculate early during sex – or if he fears being unable to gain an erection. This escalates the amount of performance anxiety he has whenever he thinks about that sex problem occurring. Now, this is where I come in because I correct the anomalies in people’s sex lives – for instance, early ejaculation, weak erections and women being unable to orgasm at will.”
How can a partner get their partner to be more interested in fantasies?
“If you want to encourage your partner (for example a woman) to participate in sexual fantasies, you need to make sure that your overall sexual technique is fulfilling AND that you are contributing to the fulfillment of your partner outside of the bedroom.
There’s a great example of this in Fifty Shades of Grey. Christian wanted all of his fantasies fulfilled on all his terms and wasn’t willing to provide Ana with the most basic elements she required, to enable her to feel emotionally connected – such as sleeping together and spending quality time together as a couple.
To gain a partner’s interest in sexual fantasies you first need to resolve any underlying sexual dysfunction issues, learn how to control a high level of sexual arousal if you’re affected in that way, and improve your overall sexual technique to encompass the whole of the sexual act.”
Jacqui Olliver, Psychosexual Relationship Specialist at EndTheProblem.com is an authority on removing barriers to great sex. Premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and being unable to orgasm can all be easily corrected with her unique treatment method which is recommended by leading medical specialists. Discover the ultimate strategy behind achieving consistently great sex.
Jacqui Olliver – Psychosexual Relationship Specialist
Member of the New Zealand Sexual Health Society
Phone: +64 (0)21 815 029