Why Performance Anxiety Makes You Sexually Lose Control in Bed

Sexual Performance Anxiety

So what is performance anxiety? And why does it make you lose control in bed? Anxiety is part of the emotional response program triggered in your brain whenever you are uncertain of how to proceed. Sex problems including premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and being unable to orgasm frequently cause performance anxiety. This is usually due to not understanding how your sexual programs need to work.

sexual performance anxiety

Sexual problems are either randomly occurring or a constant drag on your ability to feel fulfilled as a human being. They occur when the sex programs stored in your brain are either incomplete or have become confused due to mental contamination.

Your body didn’t come with an instruction manual. So when things start going wrong sexually, you have no idea what you are doing wrong. And in other cases, what you were doing right prior to that fateful day when sexual confidence was lost!

Performance Anxiety & Past Sex Experiences

The first consensual experience we have sexually, often sets us up for life. This first sexual experience is either positive (everything works as we think it should) or negative – resulting in loss of erection or early ejaculation for a male or being unable to achieve orgasm for the female.

If your first sex experience was positive, generally no problems occur during the second attempt and for a period of time you continue to have a fulfilling sex life. Unfortunately it can take just one instance of mental contamination which can lead to an ongoing experience of unwanted sex problems.

If your first experience wasn’t successful, you’re more likely to have inadvertently set up a lifelong pattern of performance anxiety. This often prevents you from being in control of your body sexually and being able to achieve sexual fulfilment with a partner. Anxiety over-rides every other conscious program, making it impossible to think clearly.

The anxiety is constantly triggered because you don’t know how to proceed sexually with confidence. Or how to achieve your ideal result (EG: for a man to stay hard and in control of ejaculation.)

Have you ever seen the look of bewilderment on a child’s face the first time they are instructed to tie their own shoelaces? This is because they have no program stored in their brain to accurately complete this task. Once shown the exact procedure for tying shoelaces, with some practice the child rapidly gains confidence to become in charge of that task.

The Same Concept Applies To Sex.

When you experience erectile dysfunction and start feeling like you’re losing erection hardness, anxiety is triggered and your mind panics. This is because you don’t know the exact procedure required for your brain to trigger another erection. More anxiety is triggered when you start worrying about what your partner is thinking of your sexual performance.

When your brain has the complete “procedure” for sex, you will only feel momentarily anxious if you lose focus and feel like you’re losing your erection. This is because you know exactly how to apply the correct thought/action sequence required by your brain, to remove the anxiety and immediately regain your hard.

What used to be a major problem is now just a momentary blip in an otherwise mutually fulfilling sex life.

Related Article: Hidden Causes of Weak Erections

ED and PE

Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are similar problems, but at opposite ends of the arousal scale.

When you experience early ejaculation, it feels like you’re uncontrollably approaching ejaculation soon after engaging sexually with your partner. This automatically makes you feel anxious and nervous.

Because you don’t know the procedure required to start sex in the “safety zone” (or pull yourself back into the safety zone) your mind panics and you ejaculate early. The more frequently this occurs, the more sexual confidence is lost. Leading to emotional withdrawal from your partner and/or avoiding relationships due to your fear of being unable to perform.

Once you understand the mechanics of sex and how to penetrate in the safety zone and remain in the safety zone throughout sex, performance anxiety is instantly halved. It is then further reduced by consistently practising the complete procedure your brain needs, to stay hard AND in control.

In Summary

Performance anxiety and related sex problems including erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and being unable to orgasm can easily be cured. First you must understand the order in which your sexual programs must work so you don’t inadvertently cause problems. Then it’s a simple matter of giving your brain the right signals required for you to stay hard and in control… And to orgasm when you want to.

Related: Mental contamination and sex problems

Meet Jacqui Olliver, founder of the Psychosexual Alignment method and published author, who has helped thousands of men, women and couples restore emotional and sexual satisfaction. Get your ultimate sex education with Jacqui's Sex Mastery programs for men and women and elevate your sex life to a whole new level of connection.

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  • Hey there. I found your blog using msn. This is an extremely well written article. I will be sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful info. Thanks for the post. I’ll certainly come back.

  • Yes, anxiety used to make me lose control in bed. In previous encounters with my GF, I was not able to maintain an erection. But with the right procedure in mind now I am able to maintain my erection and last longer. Thanks a lot Jacqui!

    • Hi Mark, there are several facets involved in solving your premature ejaculation problem. Unfortunately sexual procedure isn’t taught elsewhere, and many men self taught themselves to ejaculate fast via fast release masturbation. Anxiety occurs when you can’t think clearly, and you can’t think clearly because you don’t know what you’re supposed to be focused on to stay hard and in control. I suggest you subscribe to my “5 Crucial Rules of Sex” to get started.

  • Hi Jacqui,

    Is it possible to suffer from both ED and Premature Ejaculation at the same time? I.e. you find it hard to get excited but when you do you have very little control over your ejaculation?

    • Hi Andy, yes, it’s common for men to suffer from ED and PE. This is caused by catapulting yourself from one end of the arousal scale to the other. Usually it is caused by having a long standing problem such as PE. When you’re constantly worried about the PE problem occurring, you then stop giving your brain arousing signals so your brain doesn’t trigger an erection. Both problems are easily solved with my Sex Mastery: Hard AND in Control program for men.

  • Very nice post, Jacqui. It’s proven that anxiety and stress affects directly on our sexual performance, for example enabling the orgasms and the pleasuring feelings. In my opinion it’s more a social/cultural problem. Cheers!

  • Hi. I’m 20 yrs old and I started having sex at 17. Besides for the first few times I attempted to have sex when I was kind of nervous, I haven’t had any problems getting an erection. I was with the same partner over the three years. When I attempted to have sex with a different partner I could not achieve an erection at all. Ever since then I have been having trouble achieving erections. It’s been about 3 months now. Any idea what the problem is?

    • Hi Tyler, ED is an easy problem for me to solve. Your brain requires certain “signals” to activate the erection program. This includes thoughts, feelings and actions. When you’re worrying about the problem, all your focus is on the problem so your brain isn’t receiving relevant signals.

    • I am 50 years old. About 2 years ago I had much stress but suddenly cant have erection hard now because anxiety in bed. Please help me, my wife cant accept me.

  • Thanks for the article, it’s good info, I’m a male, 30 years of age. Till 1 year ago I was awesome in bed, I used to stay erect hard for an average of 1 to 2 hours, at my peak states including foreplay I used to stay up to 4 hours up, I was even sometimes to force myself to ejaculate and it was hard 🙂 Lately unfortunately from 1 year or a bit less, I started having problems with sexual drive. I erect good, but I cannot guarantee that I’ll stay that way even during intercourse. Also my biggest problem is that most of the time I ejaculate in mere minutes even during oral sex which was not the case at all before. I noticed also that I used to feel much more than I am now, specially during ejaculation. I was so passionate ejaculating now I can barely feel it. I’d be glad if you point some advice here, cause I really don’t know if I have a physical problem, seems not but I am having all the doubt in the world now, thanks in advance 🙂

    • Hi Ahmed, what you have is a really good example of mental contamination and lack of correct sexual imprinting. You may have initially lost erection hardness or ejaculation control due to having random thoughts. But due to lack of “how to” sexual knowledge in your informative years you have no idea what you were previously doing right! Which means your mind is overthinking during sex without having any idea of the correct action sequence to stay hard and in control. This is a very simple issue for me to resolve, and also for you, once you understand the order in which the sex programs need to work.

    • Hi Vinay, ED and PE are easy problems to cure once you understand how your sexual programs need to work. Performance anxiety is generally an effect of having the sex problem it’s not usually the cause.

  • Hi Jacqui, I really need help. I have been experiencing erectile dysfunction lately and it leaves me so depressed. I understand that it’s because of anxiety but I can’t seem to get it back to normal even when I try not to think about it. Every time I try getting intimate my Penis gets softer but when I’m alone at home it gets hard, please help.

    • Hi Dan, you cannot try not to think about something without thinking about it – and this is what’s causing problems. Your brain needs a specific thought/action sequence to get hard and stay hard. When you are with a partner you are more focused on the problem than on your own arousal.

  • Lately l am losing erection power in bed. My powerful sex life is gradually going away. I cannot perform at the peak l use to before and it is a real worry for me. I fear l will lose my power ultimately. What can l do to regain my hard erections l enjoyed in time past? I am 45 years old.

    • Hi Nana, this is an easy problem for me to solve. You need to solve the anxiety problem before you can solve the weak erection problem because one problem leads to the other. This is fully explained in my pre-recorded video program “Sex Mastery: Hard AND in Control!”

  • Hi, I’m 27 yrs old healthy, having weight 62 kg, height 5 feet 6 inches, pure vegetarian. I masturbuate regularly in morning after wake up last 15 yrs. I’m single now have no problem of PE but my penis become soft during intercourse. I play on bed more than two hours. How can I make my penis ultra hard naturally? Please suggest me natural and simple way to enjoy my sex drive.

    • To keep your erection strong, you need to give specific signals to your brain during foreplay and intercourse. When you don’t understand the order in which your sexual programs must work, much confusion and anxiety is triggered, which makes you lose your erection and makes other men lose control and ejaculate early.

  • The article was very informative. However, I’m 23 years old and I guess I get soft every time I wear a condom or try to penetrate. It’s terribly disappointing and I’d like to know how to counter it.

    • Hi Kush, you’re losing your erection because you don’t know how to focus your attention correctly during foreplay and when you put the condom on. Hence, your erection is not hard enough when you go to penetrate. Frequently, only a slight tweak to your current sexual procedure is required, to regain complete control over your erection hardness.

  • Dear Jac, I have problem with erection timing, that is very short. I feel I have fear in mind also that my performance will go down. Is it affecting?

  • Had a radical prostectomy 9 months ago I have been on cialis 5mg for 6 months. Except For HAVING A Low Grade headache, nothing. My Dr wanted me to start using the pump. I was fine before the prostectomy operation will it ever return? I’m 65 years old.

    • Hi Ron,
      Erectile dysfunction drugs can have some nasty side effects. Operations generally cause muscle weakness so you would benefit from my No.1 exercise to improve sexual function which will help restore strength to your penile area. You also need to understand how your thoughts and resulting actions are causing this problem – which is key in ending the problem. I have replied via email.

  • Your article was very informative and educative. I will be most happy if you can help me with the problem I have concerning sexual performance.

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