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Is the need for sexual fantasies fact or fiction? If you're frustrated with your partner's ongoing desire for sexual fantasies or their lack of interest thereof, it's important to understand the varying needs people have for indulging in sexual fantasies. In this article, I define the types of sexual fantasies and levels of fantasies people have, to help you and a partner experience great sex no problems.
Sexual fantasy levels refer to the various degrees or intensities of sexual fantasies that a person may experience. These levels are not strictly defined or categorized in a standardized way, but they can be broadly described as follows:
Mild or Low-Level Fantasies: These are relatively common and may involve simple scenarios, such as thinking about a different setting or location for sexual activity or imagining a new position.
Moderate or Intermediate Fantasies: These fantasies often involve more elaborate scenarios or elements, like role-playing, trying new things in the bedroom, or involving additional partners (in fantasy, not necessarily reality).
High or Advanced Fantasies: At this level, fantasies can become more complex and may involve more extreme or unconventional scenarios. This could include BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism) fantasies, fetish scenarios, or other less common desires.
Extreme or Intense Fantasies: These fantasies are often characterized by very intense, extreme, or taboo scenarios. They may involve elements that are considered highly unconventional or even illegal, and they might be distressing or concerning to some people.
The level of sexual fantasy required to feel fulfilled varies greatly from person to person. Sexual fulfillment is a highly individual and subjective experience, and there is no specific "level" of sexual fantasy that applies universally. What's most important is that each person finds a balance between their fantasies and their real-life sexual experiences that allows them to experience satisfaction and contentment.
Some people may find fulfillment with mild or moderate sexual fantasies that are easily integrated into their sexual activities. Others may desire more intense or extreme fantasies to reach a similar level of satisfaction. It's all about personal preference and your comfort levels.
A while back, I wrote an article on whether porn is good or bad, and it spiked some very interesting conversations! Porn is linked to ED and other sexual problems, so there is a lot of conflict on this topic as to what is right and wrong. Porn depicts a level of fantasy, and while some fantasies are a complete turn-off, other fantasies may turn us on when we are by ourselves.
To ensure great sex no problems, it's crucial to understand what level of sexual fantasy both you and a partner have.
Understanding our levels of fantasy enable us to communicate what we want and need from our partner.
I once had a client who had developed a chronic premature ejaculation problem after being with his girlfriend of two years. Her level of fantasy was extremely low - she was even turned off by the thought of giving him oral so she refrained from doing so. His fantasy level was extremely high - while thinking about sex he would dream of engaging in threesomes and orgy's and all manner of sexual indulgence.
Due to his partner’s reluctance in engaging in any form of fantasy or sexual play he developed premature ejaculation due to constantly thinking of what he wanted to be doing sexually while they were engaging in vanilla sex. I told him that even though I could fix his premature ejaculation problem (and I did) that he and his current partner were sexually incompatible; and they would eventually start resenting each other in their relationship.
They lasted for another 3 months, and then decided to part ways and each find a more compatible partner.
We are programmed by our upbringing and our life experiences. What one person considers to be a “normal” level or need for sexual fantasies isn’t going to be normal for someone else.
A person who has a high level or need for sexual fantasy will often be bored by what they would term “vanilla sex” (aka normal, 1/1 sex). Someone with this level of fantasy must physically and mentally engage in sexual fantasies to feel fulfilled and avoid sexual dysfunction. This may include graphic pornographic acts, as well as sex with other people outside of the relationship.
Fact: Love isn't always enough, you also need to be sexually compatible. Find someone who enjoys what you enjoy - and it’s best to find this out before you become too emotionally attached or marry them.
This person has a moderate level or need for sexual fantasy. While they don’t necessarily need to engage in a full-on sexual fantasy with their partner or another person for real, they are open to experimenting, enjoy thinking about these acts and discussing various fantasies with their partner. They may also enjoy watching porn together.
Fact: Sharing your fantasies can enhance your feelings of connection. When you’re at this level, you don’t feel at all pressured to engage in fantasy talk, in fact, it may even be an important part of your sex life.
This person prefers to keep fantasies to themselves and just masturbate to them. For the most part, they feel uncomfortable discussing fantasies and just want to enjoy them privately. However, if your partner has a higher level or need for sexual fantasy, for example they want you to tell them a fantasy story during sex, then you would be wise to step up and help fulfill them by making an effort to do this from time to time. While this may not be at all exciting or fulfilling for you, it’s important to keep the balance in your relationship so your partner feels like their needs are also being met and respected.
Fact: You can be a person who thoroughly enjoys sex without really having an interest in sharing fantasies with a partner. Remember that sex is about both partners not just about one. To help fulfill a partner's fantasy needs, you could verbally share something you have experienced sexually in the past, or something you have seen online.
I understand that most porn is absolute rubbish, however, there can sometimes be a very small segment that was highly arousing for you. This is something you could share with your partner - but only if you are both open to it. Otherwise, just make something up. Start with something you have seen or imagined, and take it from there.
This person has a low or non-existent level, desire or need for sexual fantasy. It often happens to those who have received a religious upbringing or who have been sexually abused in the past. Both of these backgrounds can result in having a fear of sex and associating fear and disgust with sex and sexual fantasies.
Additionally, a woman who is unable to reach orgasm or a male unable to maintain a hard erection may also struggle to retain a healthy interest in sex.
It's hugely challenging for people who have no interest in sexual fantasies at all to participate in any level of fantasy and this can have a massively detrimental affect on their relationship. Feeling pressured to participate will erode trust and a partner's overall desire for sex, however, not being willing to meet your partner halfway can also do damage.
Fact: Without sexual compatibility, sexual dysfunction issues can be experienced and there will also be ongoing tension and stress in your relationship. The absolute bare minimum here, would be to wear sexy lingerie, look after your physical appearance and fix any underlying issues that are affecting your confidence.
Open and honest communication with your partner is the key to achieving sexual fulfillment. Understanding each other's fantasies, desires, boundaries, and comfort levels can help you find a satisfying middle ground where both partners feel fulfilled. Ultimately, the goal should be to create a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship that respects the boundaries and desires of all involved.
If you recognize that you’re not at all sexually compatible, then you must consider the fact that your partner may not be the right person for you.
While it doesn’t matter if you’re not perfectly matched on a sexual fantasy level, each person will have their baseline of what they are and are not willing to do. To save your relationship, this must be honored and respected by both partners at all times.
Regardless of your upbringing or sexual experiences in life, with the right knowledge and technique in place to overcome emotional reactions and sexual dysfunction, you too, can lift your level of fantasy so you are a better match for your partner. I am happy to help you restore a satisfying sex life with my Sex Mastery programs for men and women.
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As the founder of the Psychosexual Alignment methodology and published author, Jacqui has helped thousands of men and women easily resolve sex problems and restore emotional connection. Get your ultimate sex education and elevate intimacy to an exciting new level of engagement with Jacqui's Sex Mastery Programs for Men and Women.
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