Is the need for sexual fantasies fact or fiction?
If you're frustrated with your partner's ongoing desire for sexual fantasies or their lack of interest thereof, it's important to understand the varying needs people have for indulging in sexual fantasies. This depends on what level of sexual fantasy you and your partner have.
I recently wrote an article on whether porn is good or bad, and it spiked some very interesting conversations! There is a lot of conflict on this subject as to what is right and wrong. Porn depicts a level of fantasy and while some fantasies are a complete turn-off, other fantasies may turn us on when we are by ourselves.
It all depends on our level of sexual fantasy and what we require to feel fulfilled:
I must do this Sexual act to feel fulfilled sexually!
This person could be regarded as having a high level or need for sexual fantasy. Bored by what they would term “vanilla sex” (aka normal, 1/1 sex) a person with this level of fantasy must physically and mentally engage in sexual fantasies to feel fulfilled. This may include graphic pornographic acts as well as sex with other people outside of the relationship.
I once had a client who had developed a chronic premature ejaculation problem after being with his girlfriend of two years. Her level of fantasy was extremely low - she was even turned off by the thought of giving him oral so she refrained from doing so. His fantasy level was extremely high - while thinking about sex he would dream of engaging in threesomes and orgy's and all manner of sexual indulgence.
Due to his partner’s reluctance in engaging in any form of fantasy or sexual play he developed premature ejaculation due to constantly thinking of what he wanted to be doing sexually while they were engaging in vanilla sex. I told him that even though I could fix his premature ejaculation problem (and I did) that he and his current partner were sexually incompatible; and they would eventually start resenting each other in their relationship. They lasted for another 3 months, and then decided to part ways and each find a more compatible partner.
Fact: Love isn't always enough, you also need to be sexually compatible
We are programmed by our upbringing and our life experiences. What one person considers to be a “normal” level or need for sexual fantasies isn’t going to be normal for someone else. Find someone who enjoys what you enjoy - and it’s best to find this out before you become too emotionally attached or marry them.
I Enjoy Thinking About Fantasies and Discussing Them with My Partner
This person has a medium-high level or need for sexual fantasy. While they don’t necessarily need to engage in a full-on sexual fantasy with their partner or another person for real, they are open to experimenting, enjoy thinking about these acts and discussing various fantasies with their partner. They may also enjoy watching porn together.
Fact: Sharing your fantasies can enhance your feelings of connection
When you’re at this level, you don’t feel at all pressured to engage in fantasy talk, in fact, it may be an important part of your sex life.
Sexual Fantasies? I only like thinking about them!
If you prefer to just think about fantasies and feel uncomfortable discussing them, that's perfectly ok, it just means that it's something private and enjoyable you do for yourself.
However, if your partner has a higher level or need for sexual fantasy than you, for example they like you to tell them a fantasy story during sex, then you would be wise to step up and help fulfill them by making an effort to do this from time to time. While this may not be at all exciting or fulfilling for you, it’s important to keep the balance in your relationship so your partner feels like their needs are also being met and respected.
Fact: You can be a person who thoroughly enjoys sex without really having an interest in sharing fantasies with a partner
Remember that sex is about both partners not just about one. To help fulfill a partner's fantasy needs, you could verbally share something you have experienced sexually in the past, or something you have seen online.
I understand that most porn is absolute rubbish, however, there can sometimes be a very small segment that was highly arousing for you. This is something you could share with your partner - but only if you are both open to it. Otherwise, just make something up. Start with something you have seen or imagined, and take it from there.
Related reading: The Link Between Masturbation, Porn and Erectile Dysfunction
I Have No Interest in Sexual Fantasies!
This person has a low or non-existent level, desire or need for sexual fantasy. It often happens to those who have received a religious upbringing or who have been sexually abused in the past. Both of these backgrounds can result in associating fear and disgust with sex and sexual fantasies. Additionally, a woman who is unable to reach orgasm or a male unable to maintain a hard erection may also struggle to retain a healthy interest in sex.
It's hugely challenging for people who have no interest in sexual fantasies at all to participate in any level of fantasy and this can have a massively detrimental affect on their relationship. Feeling pressured to participate will erode trust and a partner's overall desire for sex, however, not being willing to meet your partner halfway can also do damage.
Fact: Without sexual compatibility, sexual dysfunction issues can be experienced and there will also be ongoing tension and stress in your relationship
The absolute bare minimum here, would be to wear sexy lingerie, look after your physical appearance and fix any underlying issues that are affecting your confidence.
When we are in a relationship it’s important to help fulfill each other’s needs. If you recognize that you’re not at all sexually compatible, then you must consider the fact that your partner may not be the right person for you.
While it doesn’t matter if you’re not perfectly matched on a sexual fantasy level, each person will have their baseline of what they are and are not willing to do. This must be honored and respected by both partners at all times.
Regardless of your upbringing or sexual experiences in life, with the right knowledge and technique in place to overcome emotional reactions and sexual dysfunction, you too, can lift your level of fantasy so you are a better match for your partner.