Losing or lost your sex drive?
I am often asked what causes a lack of libido in men and women and this is a really interesting question. While children, stress and health issues can temporarily affect your sex drive and overall desire for sex, and diet and exercise can play a contributing role in causing a low libido, they are usually not the main cause of an ongoing lack of libido. So what is the main problem?
In my experience in solving sex problems for people, one of the leading causes of lack of libido in either or both partners are thoughts about unwanted problems. These can be related or unrelated to sex and the resulting mental contamination can lead to relationship breakdown. Let's take a look at how misdirected thoughts and a lack of knowledge around intimacy can negatively affect each other's libido.
Whether thinking about a lack of emotional or sexual connection in your relationship or an unwanted sexual technique, your thoughts can switch your libido off in an instant.
Your brain is super efficient, so when it isn't receiving signals relevant to the desire to engage sexually, it will switch off all related hormonal responses until further notice.
Therefore, ongoing thoughts about an unwanted situation can result in a loss of interest in connecting sexually.
Loss of Libido Related to Sexual Problems
Sex is the ultimate expression of love for a partner, to show desire and emotion wrapped into one, the experience of physical closeness and underlying emotion. However, when physical closeness is impeded by a sexual dysfunction problem or unwanted technique, ongoing anxiety affects the quality of the emotional connection.
Instead of feeling close and connected, the underlying fear of performance issues or an unwanted technique causes feelings of separation and disconnection in both partners. This can eventually result in a loss of libido for either partner.
From both the male and female perspective sex problems such as premature ejaculation (PE) erectile dysfunction (ED) and being unable to orgasm will eventually affect either or both partner's libido. This is usually due to the ongoing frustration, anxiety, and disruption to intimacy associated with navigating these challenges.
What Causes Lack of Libido in Women?
While most women are very talented at multi-tasking, this tendency toward being mentally distracted can also lead to a loss of libido or problems reaching orgasm. A common cause of mental distraction in a relationship is frustration, annoyance or feeling hurt. Being emotionally triggered can be caused by a clashing of ideas, not feeling heard and especially not feeling acknowledged.
When a woman doesn't feel emotionally connected with her partner then she may not feel sexual attraction at that point in time. Ongoing relationship problems can lead to a more permanent loss of libido, especially if she has concerns about her partner's sexual technique.
Many women have confided their concerns to me about their man's sex problems. For example, when a man suffers from erectile dysfunction and loses his hard erection during foreplay, it's common for his woman to over-analyze the cause and think it’s happening because he’s not attracted to her, he’s not turned on by her, or he’s having an affair!
Usually, this is far from the truth. Frequently, his weak erection problem is caused by focusing too much attention on her during foreplay so his brain doesn’t receive enough arousing signals! However, without a clear understanding of what causes these problems, she may lose her confidence and self-esteem as well as her desire to engage sexually with her partner.
In addition to the above issues, the inner vaginal dryness experienced by up to 50% of women causes pain and difficulty at penetration time which can exacerbate other sex problems and a woman's overall desire for sex. Learn my Inner Vaginal Flush Technique here.
PE Can Also Cause a Lack of Libido in Women
Many men who ejaculate early think they can get away with giving their woman lots of foreplay instead of quality intercourse time. Unfortunately, this results in constant disappointment as most partners consider the ultimate sexual connection to include full, penetrative intercourse with a fulfilling emotional connection.
In addition to this, when a woman herself is unable to reach orgasm, sex can become a constant disappointment. Even if she can orgasm during foreplay, it’s just not the same as being able to orgasm during intercourse with her partner.
Over a period of time, a woman who has problems reaching orgasm will often lose interest in sexual frequency, especially if her partner suffers from premature ejaculation. JUST when she’s starting to feel really turned on and connected, her partner can ejaculate without warning.
One or more of these problems as well as a partner's unfulfilling sexual technique can lead to a lack of libido in women.
What Causes Lack of Libido in Men?
A man's lack of libido is usually connected with another sex problem such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or being unable to ejaculate. While most men usually start with a healthy sexual appetite, these problems constantly undermine his confidence and self-esteem which can eventually kill his libido as he struggles to connect with and fulfill his partner.
A man can also be affected by his partner’s loss of libido. Most men assume that his partner’s lack of interest in sex is hormonal or related to health issues. However, if a partner is suddenly more interested in running the house and looking after children than attending to his sexual needs, he needs to ascertain the reason behind this sudden lack of interest.
While it’s mentally draining looking after children (which most certainly can cause loss of libido) there may be other reasons for their reduced sex drive. Even if he doesn't have problems with weak erections or early ejaculation, his sexual technique may be based on a porn education and not be at all fulfilling.
It's important to find out what your partner likes and doesn’t like, from kissing, to sexual position, to preferred fantasies (or no fantasies!) Never assume a person's turn-ons - because everyone is different and their wants and desires can change over time.
In addition to this, a man's lack of libido can be related to his partner having challenges reaching an orgasm. Not only does a man have to balance his sexual focus to retain his hard erection, he also has to stay in control of when he ejaculates while at the same time providing a fulfilling emotional connection for his partner. When his partner has problems reaching orgasm, this can become an arduous and stressful task.
Lack of Libido and Body Odour
"Do you go places when you know it might smell bad?" This is what one client said to me when he admitted that he hadn't given his female partner oral sex for two years because her strong scent put him off going down on her sexually.
Our noses tend to be sensitive, and any strong smells can put a partner off sex or contaminate their ability to focus on and really enjoy the sexual act they are performing.
When we think about body odour, we tend to associate it with bad breath or smelly underarms, which of course are both important to deal with. However, the strong, pungent scent of a woman's vagina is a common problem that is rarely mentioned and seldom resolved.
A strong smelling vagina can put her partner off performing oral sex and be a constant source of distraction during other sexual acts. It's important for a male to not be put off during sex as being mentally distracted can result in losing his erection hardness or not being able to reach orgasm. This can result in disappointment for both partners and negatively effect each other's libido.
Many women tend to ignore a strong scent eminating from their vagina and assume it as simply being part of their menstrual cycle. However, this smell can be quite overwhelming for their partner and contribute to the downfall of their sex life.
Whether it's due to bacterial overgrowth or a yeast infection, a strong smelling vagina can easily be resolved by a woman when she follows my ACT protocol:
Apple cider vinegar, Coconut oil, Tea tree oil (plus filtered water)
In a small bottle with a cork stopper (I personally use a 100ml glass bottle - about 3oz), mix together one part coconut oil with two parts apple cider vinegar and fill it up with filtered water (ratio about 20:30:50 mls). Then add 3-4 drops of tea tree essential oil. This mixture is extremely beneficial in treating and preventing yeast infections and strong vaginal smells.
Apple cider vinegar contains antibacterial and antiseptic properties which fight the toxins and bacteria that cause vaginal odour and also helps to rebalance and restore vaginal flora.
Coconut oil has antifungal, antibacterial and anti-inflammatory properties and is effective in killing strains of the candida fungus, whose overgrowth causes yeast infections. It's smooth texture provides a soothing application of ACT as well as softening and rejuventaing the skin surrounding the genital area.
Tea tree oil contains antifungal and antiseptic properties which naturally help your body get rid of unpleasant odours caused by bacteria.
The ACT Protocol: Apply this mixture twice a day and after sex to help prevent and relieve strong smells, genital itching and other unwanted infections. As a maintenance protocol, use once a day plus after sexual intercourse.
Always shake before use. Using a cotton make-up pad, apply the ACT mixture around your vaginal area. Start from the front of the vagina and work your way back, covering the whole genital area. It's also beneficial to wipe the area around your anus, just make sure you do that last. Use more than one cotton pad if you need to for hygienic reasons (no double-dipping).
Whether you are experiencing emotional or sexual challenges in your relationship, ongoing disappointment will often result in a lack of libido. Resolving sex problems and other emotional connection issues is vitally important to cure a lack of libido in either partner.
While spontaneous sex is fun, strong BO or unwanted smells are not. Male or female, before you have sex, ask your partner to give you a minute to freshen yourself. Thoroughly wash under your armpits with soap and water, rinse, and dry yourself equally thoroughly. Clean your teeth, or spray some breath freshener in your mouth. Your partner will appreciate your effort.
Being at ease in your relationship and how you perform during sex enables you to feel the ultimate connection where you can both enjoy intimacy, each knowing what to expect of each other. If you are suffering from early ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or being unable to orgasm, then get those issues sorted now so you can both feel happy and satisfied.